51 Hours Old

Today has been a busy, tiring day but with God's grace I am sustained moment by moment. I have had a few opportunites to hold Joel and try and teach him to nurse again today. I am very thankful for any time we get with him. The times we can hold him are very scheduled, so it makes the day challenging - nursing Leah, pumping for Joel, eating three meals, reassuring our oldest three, holding and trying to feed Joel etc... Lizzie asked me today, "Are you going to cry again mommy? Why you crying?" I confess I spend a lot of time in tears which is why even chatting on the phone is hard right now.

Joel is improving, but it seems with every good report comes a potential bad... today he is off oxygen, but still needs a little "push" of air so the tube in his nose is still in. His chest x-ray today showed a small pocket that may or may not be an infection. Tomorrow will determine what happens next. If the pocket is gone, it was just fluid and we can begin the process of getting him eating on his own (right now he has a tube into his belly) and coming home in a few days, on the other hand, if it is an infection we're looking at another 7-10 days on antibiotics in the NICU.

I am trying to find rest in the unknown at the feet of Jesus. He is mighty, and bigger than these circumstances. If I think too long on all of this I feel like I might suffocate, so I must simply take each moment as it comes. Please continue to pray for all of us- the "big kids"- we are seeing signs of stress with them, continued strength for my sweet husband who is too amazing for words, healing for our sweet little Joel, that Leah would continue on this great path, and recovery and peace for me.

Blessings and love to each of you,
Rebecca